We’ve all heard those romantic cliches that make us cringe, but warm our hearts anyways. Phrases like, “you make me whole”, “you complete me”, and the most iconic of all: “And they lived Happily Ever After.” They sound beautiful, and almost magical in a sense. Underneath the flowery language lies the truth. Believing that real life love should be like a fairy tale sets us up for confusion, disappointment, and heartbreak.
Romantic fantasies are everywhere. From books to movies and even in the way we talk about love. They make us believe that true love means never disagreeing, always understanding one and other, and feeling complete only when around the one you supposedly love. The truth is that building your perception of love on that idea forms a shaky base for all romantic connections. Love built on fantasy is fragile, and cannot withstand the complexities of real life. When we fall for the idea of someone, rather than their actual being, we find ourselves in a relationship with a figment of imagination. Being attached to the perfect version of someone we’ve created makes it too easy to ignore red flags and overlook incompatibilities. No one can completely fill every void, meet every need, and cure every trauma. Nor should you expect them to.
The belief that we wander the world alone until we find our one other half is one of the most damaging things we’ve accepted in our society. While this sounds super romantic, this sends the message that you can’t be happy alone. It perpetuates the idea that our happiness depends on others, and also puts immense pressure on both partners. Obviously, neither one of them wants to return to being sad and alone, so they force themselves to attempt perfection for each other. The reality is, lasting self-worth, peace, and joy come from within, not from someone else. When we rely on our partner to complete us, we run the risk of losing ourselves. What makes us who we are is the fact that we are alone, and unique. Completely devoting yourself to “your other half” turns you into half of a whole. You’re no longer an individual, you’re just half of someone else. Boundaries start to blur, identity fades, and suddenly, your one true love is based on dependance instead of connection.
A healthy relationship is fostered when two individuals come together and continue walking the path of life together. Each remains their own person with their own goals, dreams, and aspirations. When we aren’t focusing on making two halves into a whole, we lay a foundation for love to grow stronger, steadier and more authentic.
There is also this perpetuation that love always has to be exciting. In reality, relationships are built by everyday commitments to one another. True love grows from the little things, like late night laughter, coming to a compromise during an argument, or even just being there in complete silence. When we think of the true love fantasy, we see the absence of any conflict and two people living in absolute bliss. Real love is the willingness to work through disagreements, and come out hand in hand afterwards. Love in real life is seeing someone’s flaws and choosing to stand by them, it’s about being seen for who we are rather than what people wish we were.
If we compare a real relationship with a romantic fantasy, it gets held to unrealistic standards. Maybe we think, “Wow, this doesn’t seem like the movies” and that’s because movies create impossible ideals that no one can live up to. Discomfort is actually a good sign in a relationship. It signals growth and points to evolution. Real people change, grow, and evolve, it isn’t failure: It’s a sign of maturation.
Much of our romantic fantasies are a result of early socialization. We may have been taught that approval equates to love, or that being needed is the same as being valued. It is then when we carry those ingrained thoughts through our lives and search for partners who fulfill the roles we believe need filled. Even when this may be causing us pain, we continue to seek out relationships that fit with our definitions of love. These early experiences may shape our behaviours in adulthood, and dictate the kinds of people we surround ourselves with, but they don’t have to.
The first step to breaking this pattern is self-awareness. Understanding our emotional needs, fears, and expectations is the key to separating fantasy from reality. When we name our wounds, we can begin to choose love with open eyes, rather than using it as an escape from loneliness. Forming a connection rooted in authenticity becomes possible only after we notice and work on our attachment to fantasy. We must avoid participating in relationships with the hopes of “fixing” them. When you enter a relationship, ask yourself if you’re actually into them or if you love the idea of them. We also must reflect on our feelings in the relationship. Do you feel at liberty or do you feel anxious and dependent on this person? If the answer is anxious, this may not be the person you’re supposed to be with. Additionally, we want to form connections built on honesty. If you find yourself pretending, or feeling like you can’t truly be yourself, in order to keep someone around, you’re choosing to feed a fantasy rather than break free. Real love doesn’t reduce your unique qualities, it invites you to share them with the world without fear of judgement.
To make a shift towards genuine connection, start by developing a healthy connection with you. Without knowing our own motivations, values, and boundaries, we cannot
become a part of a couple without losing ourselves. Defining your relationship with yourself ensures that even in a relationship, you won’t lose what makes you special.
Here are some ways to ground your relationship in reality:
- Honour your self-worth: remind yourself that you are already complete. You don’t need someone else to give meaning to your life. A partner can complement you, but should not become you.
- Communicate honestly: Another thing that romcoms show is the partner who knows it all. Even without communication, incredible feats of romance are pulled off. They somehow always know what the other wants. Well that’s one trick we can let you in on now. It’s called a script. In real life, the key to real love is vulnerability. Expressing your needs and listening actively is how you can cultivate your love.
- Accept imperfections: Sometimes, people really can’t be “fixed”. Instead of spending time trying to make your partner perfect, understand that every relationship has challenges. What matters is viewing them as an opportunity to build emotional resilience by deepening your understanding of each other.
- Stay curious about yourself: Life doesn’t end with “Happily Ever After”. You will continue to evolve, and so will your relationships. Be sure to reflect on your needs and how you can show up for the one you love.
Fantasy only provides temporary excitement. That rush of being part of something new, while also being certain of what comes next, are comforts that keep us content. Reality offers something richer that cannot even be compared. The depth of the connection that comes from truly knowing and being known is a feeling that fantasy just cannot give you. Once we free ourselves from the myth that love is supposed to complete us, we make room for connections that enhance us. Relationships based in reality may not seem like the stories we were told growing up, but when they’re based on connection, respect, and truth they last far longer. Love isn’t defined by perfection, realness is what truly makes it beautiful.
Interested in the dangers of romantic fantasies? Listen to our Clinical Director’s Podcast, Straight Talk with Sandra Reich, and learn more about the problems they cause for real life relationships.
The Dangers of Romantic Fantasy
About the episode
We have all heard those perfect lines in movies and songs like, You complete me. Yet this way of thinking sets us up for incredible dangers of hurt and disappointment in our romantic relationships. Sandra is joined by the Co-author of Once Upon a Time; How Cinderella Grew Up and Became a Happy Empowered Woman and Co-Director of Empowered Women Workshops, Maite Gomez to discuss the difficulties of living in romantic fantasy when it comes to real life relationships.
Listen to it here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u3lbbJOjCi0
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Do you find yourself always comparing your love life to movies? It’s natural to be envious of the silver-screen perfect but remember: It’s just a script. At The Montreal Center for Anxiety and Depression we have top specialists who can guide you through examining the reasons for your romantic fantasies. It would be our absolute pleasure to match you with a therapist who can help you name and challenge your past experiences so that you can experience real love.
To find your therapist now, give us a call at 514 777-4530 today. We would love to help you, and get you started on your journey. Change your life… TODAY!
