One of the most misunderstood, yet essential, ingredients of mental health is self-love. We often hear those words and think of spa days, bubble baths, or cheesy Instagram quotes. In reality, self-love is one of the most powerful tools we have in shaping our psychologies. It impacts each relationship we enter, every boundary we set, and even our daily decisions. Every single time we look at ourselves in the mirror, our relationships with ourselves are reflected back at us too. In spite of its importance, many people struggle with this. For some individuals, loving themselves feels way more difficult than loving those around them. This is because the relationship you have with yourself is the most intimate, tender, and honest one you’ll likely experience in your lifetime
. Who you are is shaped by your past- your fears, your hopes, your disappointments- and your lived reality. Self-love is not an instant transformation. It takes courage, discovery, and commitment to unlearning your past defenses. This journey to self-love can become one of the most beautiful love stories of your life.
Most of us grow up believing the greatest love story begins with someone else. Rightfully so, given the fairytales and movies we’ve consumed from a young age. However, the relationship that, quietly but truly, dictates every connection we form is the one we build with ourselves. Having a love affair with yourself isn’t indulgence, it’s the key to your emotional wellbeing. It means slowing down and taking the time to get to know yourself on a deeper level. Getting in touch with your innermost needs, fears, dreams, values, and so much more help you build that essential foundation of self-love. Learning to love yourself means spending time with yourself, not because you have to, but rather because it is comforting to be in the company of someone who knows you so well.
When you genuinely enjoy who you are, your whole life is reshaped. Your life becomes yours. You begin to make choices that are in line with your values, even if that makes others uncomfortable. Your standards rise and as a result your relationships become clearer. You understand your boundaries and they are no longer suggestions, they are non-negotiable. Loving yourself gives you the confidence to take a stance and act in a manner you can be proud of. Instead of tiptoeing around what others would prefer, you take matters into your own hands and live for yourself. Then a quiet realization dawns: you don’t need to rely on anyone to complete you. All you need is a partner to complement you. That difference is everything.
Loving yourself can sound simple in theory but can be difficult to put into practice. It’s not uncommon to struggle with self-love. There are so many factors that can make it feel foreign or inaccessible. These could be anything that make you question if you’re worthy.
Perhaps you received messages about worth in your childhood that led to other issues. Things like: perfectionism, years of comparing yourself to others, internalized criticism, and that never ending pressure to be “enough” can all stem from unhealthy family values or pressures. These internalized thoughts about your worth can lead to choosing relationships where you cannot be authentic or the formation of attachment wounds that you have no idea you even have. For many people, self-love was not modeled at home. When you’re raised to meet others’ needs, become a caretaker/peacekeeper, and overall be “the strong/easy/good/etc one”, there is a disconnect between performance and humanity. The truth is, you can’t love yourself based on performance. Self-love can only be built on real, human, terms. Humans are imperfect, messy, and constantly growing creatures. Self-love can only truly begin when you stop asking yourself to be perfect and start allowing yourself to be human instead.
Affection, warmth, connection, these are all what we imagine when we think about love. Yet when it comes to ourselves, we often default to criticism, impatience, and judgement. It’s a constant stream of “not good enough”, “what’s wrong with me?”, and various other negative thoughts. Take a second to imagine saying those things, or hearing those things, out loud. Can you really take it seriously knowing you would never speak to someone else that way? If you treated someone else, even a stranger, the way you treated yourself they would probably feel unsafe, judged, and unwelcome. Self-love is not something you declare and watch happen. It must be cultivated with purpose and intent. Loving yourself is accepting you’ve tried your best, and trying to be better next time. Offering yourself compassion and being honest even when it’s uncomfortable are paramount to laying a sturdy foundation for connection.
When you love someone, you’re drawn to protecting them, helping them, and otherwise making sure they’re supported. This is a natural state of being that is part of the human experience. You speak to them kindly, celebrate their wins, and console them through their losses. You don’t abandon them if they’re hurting. You move closer and support them while they lean on you. Imagine treating yourself the same way. Loving yourself allows you to protect yourself the way you would any one else you love. Instead of judging your worth by productivity or perfection, you can become your own biggest supporter. You can nurture your own potential, notice what you need, and stop fearing your inner world. Self-love occurs when you become someone you can trust with your entire being.
This process begins slowly. Generally in the small and quiet ways you’ve historically dismissed yourself. An honest starting point is curiosity. Begin by asking yourself real questions you’ve previously not thought about. Such as:
- How would I show up if no one were judging me?
- What do I actually want from my life, not what I’m “supposed” to want?
- What lights me up?
- What drains me?
- What am I holding inside that wants expression?
- Where am I betraying myself for acceptance?
- What feels like a truth I’m finally ready to admit?
Without honesty you cannot have self-love. Not in a brutal or harsh way, rather from a place of curiosity because you are worth knowing. As you start this journey you may feel avoidance, anxiety, or self-doubt, creeping in. This is completely normal. The part of you that learned to stay hidden are being exposed, and that’s uncomfortable. Loving yourself means continuing to pursue expansion, because giving in to avoidance only strengthens the fears you’re attempting to outrun.
Self-love grows with daily practices. Big gestures are not effective in the same way that every day affirmations are. Building yourself up day-by-day strengthens your relationship with yourself in an organic way. Start by being gentle with the voice in your head. 
Your inner critic is often cruel and hurtful, which is not conducive to falling in love with yourself. Make a conscious effort to speak to yourself the way you’d speak to a good friend. You’ll find you give yourself more breathing room and place less pressure on yourself to be perfect. Another habit to get into is accepting your imperfections: without making them your identity. Flaws are a part of being human but when you begin to define yourself by them, you actually cause yourself to get stuck in a box. The brain believes what you tell it, so if you consistently tell yourself you are your flaws, you will never be able to change. Speaking of change, it’s important to improve what you can without hating yourself for what you can’t. Long-lasting change comes from shifts rooted in self-love. Anything you do that is because of shame or avoidance is much harder to keep up long term. It also has the negative side effect of believing you are shameful, which you are not. You can also repeat affirmations that nourish your positive self-image. Consistently make the effort to tell yourself things like: “I am enough”, “I deserve good things”, and “I’m allowed to take up space”. Your mind believes what it is told. Repeat these affirmations until they feel true. Self-love thrives on repetition, not intensity.
The truth is simple: you are the only person you cannot outrun, abandon, or hide from. Every night you return to yourself. Each morning you wake up with yourself. Every experience, challenge, joy, heartbreak, is filtered through your being. The relationship you form with yourself is the love story that lasts a lifetime. The more you invest into it, the more your life becomes better. Everything softens, calms down, and aligns so that you may live your best life. Self-love is not the proof of being healed, it is the journey on which you begin to heal. The moment you stop treating yourself like an obstacle is the moment you become your own partner. Having a love affair with yourself is not a luxury, it is a prerequisite to forming healthy and strong connections with everything and everyone else in the world.
Interested in learning more about the importance of loving yourself? Listen to our Clinical Director’s Podcast, Straight Talk with Sandra Reich, and gain more insights into the challenges and outcomes of self-love.
Having a Love Affair With Yourself
About the Episode
Loving yourself is one of the most important things you can do. We know from research that you can never truly love another unless you love yourself first.
But that can sometimes feel like an impossible feat.
Sandra Reich is joined by Empowered Women Workshop’s -and Co Author of ‘How Cinderella Grew Up and Became a Happy Empowered Woman’- Maite Gomez to discuss the importance of self-love and how you can learn to love yourself…one step at a time.
Listen to it here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EXjsS1XTwWo
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Do you find yourself constantly putting yourself down? Most people do so because of things they internalized as children. At The Montreal Center for Anxiety and Depression we have top specialists who can teach you to unlearn these harmful practices and begin to overcome them. It would be our absolute pleasure to match you with a therapist who can support you as you learn to love yourself.
To find your therapist now, give us a call at 514 777-4530 today. We would love to help you, and get you started on your journey. Change your life… TODAY!
