When a couple experiences an affair, it doesn’t just break the trust in the relationship. It also breaks the beliefs one holds about the relationship. Sometimes it even feels like the person who had the affair is not the same person anymore. The most common reaction to an affair isn’t just anger. 
Though present a lot of the time, another huge emotion is confusion. The sense that this could happen even if nothing is wrong, is a hard to grasp concept. There’s often the sense that the ground has shifted and resettled overnight. When, in reality, there’s usually something that’s been changing for much longer. What makes affairs so disturbing is that they don’t always occur as a result of chaos. Sometimes they come out of relationships that look stable, functional, and even loving. That is where the real questioning begins. It’s not only asking “what happened?” It’s also about, “what was quietly missing all along?”
There’s a common misconception that people have affairs because they no longer have interest in the relationship. Usually, though, affairs are not about leaving. In fact, some would argue the opposite is true. Many people who step outside of their couple have no intention of ending it. What they’re drawn to isn’t necessarily the person they pick, it’s the feeling they get from them. The feeling of being noticed again. Of being: Appreciated, desired, or interesting in a way they haven’t felt for a while. In that sense, an affair isn’t about discovering someone new. It’s about reconnecting with a version of themselves that has, over time, faded into the background.
Most relationships don’t suddenly snap. Generally, it begins with a quiet drift that creates distance. Life fills up, work becomes more demanding, kids need things, and schedules take over. More conversation becomes logistical. Who’s getting the kids? What’s for dinner? Did you pay the bills? Without realizing it, a couple can start acting more like teammates than romantic partners. The connection doesn’t disappear dramatically. It slowly shifts away from romance, and more towards function. Eye contact becomes shorter, nice gestures get taken for granted, and small moments of warmth get replaced with efficiency. In that space, important things start to go missing. It’s not love necessarily, it’s the shared connection.
At their core, affairs come from the human desire to feel valued. Not only to be loved in the general sense, but to be chosen, noticed, and admired. There’s something powerful that happens when someone looks at you with fresh eyes. The feeling of being seen as interesting again, of being engaged by someone of the same age without filtering it through responsibility or routine, is an intoxicating sensation that is sometimes impossible to turn away from. What becomes addictive isn’t the person, it’s the way you’re seen by them. The you that comes alive when you’re interacting with them. 
Maybe you feel the way you haven’t in years. More confident, more desirable, and just more you. That’s why affairs can be so intense, even when they’re not built on reality. They tap into something that’s quietly missing in real life.
It would be too simple to say affairs happen because of something wrong in the relationship. The truth is it’s much more nuanced than that. Sometimes there’s a struggle happening beneath the surface. Feelings of insecurity, fear of aging, life dissatisfaction, or disconnection from one’s own identity. These feelings can be bubbling under the surface, unbeknownst even to the individual experiencing them. When the opportunity appears to have temporary reprieve from those negative feelings, it can be incredibly compelling. That’s how two people can be in the same relationship, with only one person stepping out. Oftentimes, there’s something personal being activated. Something that, while having an affair, fades to the background.
There’s a slippery slope with affairs that no one ever plans for. They rarely begin with a clear decision. Affairs begin with moments. A conversation that just feels easy. A sense of being understood. Suddenly, lunch turns into something more frequent. There’s a gradual shift that occurs. From sharing to confiding, from harmless to meaningful, and eventually, from appropriate to secretive. It’s once secrecy enters that something fundamental changes. The relationship outside starts to carry the same emotional weight that the one at home used to. By the time something physical happens, or deeply emotional, it feels like a random occurrence. In reality, it didn’t “just happen”. It’s the culmination of many small steps that silently crossed a line.
Unfortunately, biology also plays a role in affairs. New attention, new attraction, new connection, are experiences that trigger powerful reactions in the brain. Energy seems to increase, focus narrows, and everything starts to feel more alive than it did before. The chemistry of something new is intoxicating in a way that long-term relationships, which are grounded in routine and familiarity, often aren’t. However, intensity can’t be confused with reality. What feels like a deep connection is often a mix of novelty, romantic fantasy, and emotional projection. That’s not to say the feelings aren’t real, it’s that they’re not entirely real.
For many couples, the question that matters most is: Can a relationship survive an affair? The answer is not a simple yes or no, but it is hopeful. An affair can feel like the end, but for some couples it can be a turning point. Not because the pain is disregarded; 
because it forces a level of honesty that was probably missing from the relationship for a while. It brings attention to things that weren’t being said, what wasn’t being felt, what wasn’t being prioritized. The repair, however, isn’t automatic. It requires effort from both sides. The person who had the affair must take full ownership. Not only for the affair itself, but for it’s impact on the couple. The person who was hurt had to decide, over time, whether rebuilding trust is something they’re willing to work on.
Since affairs often begin with disconnection, what actually protects relationships isn’t control. It’s a connection. Not grand gestures, rather small consistent ones. Making your partner feel seen, appreciated, and like you both still matter to each other in the midst of crazy lives. It’s check-ins that don’t feel urgent that are essential to connecting. The effort to stay curious about one and other. The willingness to speak up before resentment settles. The decision to, again and again, not take each other nor the relationship for granted. The truth is no relationship is immune to affairs. However, when nurtured with intention and consistency, even if imperfect, they are far less vulnerable to losing their way.
When you feel a shift in your relationship, the instinct is often to search for a clear answer. But what if you’re asking all the wrong questions? Start by listening to our Clinical Director’s Podcast, Straight Talk with Sandra Reich, and gain insight on how to truly repair your relationship: By discovering what was under the surface.
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Why Do Married Men and Women Have Affairs?
About the episode
In this show, Host Sandra Reich welcomes Dr Suzanne Phillips Host of ‘Psych Up Live’ on Voice America as her guest on ‘Straight Talk’ to discuss the fascinating and important topic of ‘Why do Married Men and Women have affairs?’
Considering the earlier discussion with Dr Suzanne Phillips on her ‘Psych Up Live’ show 2pm Eastern 11am Pacific of Sandra’s bestselling book ‘Once Upon a Time How Cinderella Grew Up and Became a Happy Empowered Woman’ these two hosts and specialists in the field of Psychology and relationships get into the nitty gritty of relationship dances and challenges.
Has Cinderella really become empowered? What do we know about the realities of affairs?
Listen in as these hosts raise the challenges in relationships that women and men are now facing.
Listen To It Here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dh9OjsdQ5PU
Trying to push past unmet needs in order to avoid conflict doesn’t make them disappear. This actually creates distance that worsens over time. At The Montreal Center for Anxiety and Depression we have top specialists who can provide you with guidance as you unearth the deeper reasons for disconnection within the couple. Then help you and your partner move forward with clarity. It would be our absolute pleasure to match you with a therapist who can support you on this journey.
To find your therapist now, give us a call at 514 777-4530 today. We would love to help you, and get you started on your journey. Change your life… TODAY!
