At some point in life, many people begin to ask this age old question: How did I get here? Whether it be relationship patterns that keep repeating, similar life situations that make you do a double take, or even just one moment where you may not have acted in line with your values. Often we imagine change as something dramatic. Something that just finally sets into place or something that just one day no longer feels right. In reality time and time again we learn that change is actually a slow process. You may have one big awakening, but the changes have actually been in the background the entire time.
The real question is, how do we change when we realize we no longer like the life we’re living? 
The answer is in fact in the question itself. Change begins with awareness. So, realizing your life doesn’t look the way you feel you want it to is actually the first (and hardest) step! Before creating a new life, one must look at the one they’re currently living. Start by examining which patterns repeat even when we know they’re not working. Ask yourself why you’re holding onto habits, relationships, or ways of thinking that no longer serve you? Wherever you’re planning to go on your journey the starting point is the same. The willingness to look inwards is as crucial to the self-growth process as water is to human life.
Many of our behaviours start to develop automatically. Our thoughts, emotions, habits, and reactions can become deeply rooted patterns that influence the way we experience our lives. Becoming aware of these patterns and moving them from the unconscious to the conscious asks for a lot of courage and guts. The desire to change is relatively common. However before we can change our lives we have to understand ourselves. Having the guts to look inwards is an impressive feat that is the reason not everyone can accomplish true change.
One fact about life is we are not meant to stay the same. For many years people believed that as of a certain age, a human is set in their ways. It was thought that personalities, habits, and ways of responding to the world were set in place. Today, we understand that people not only continue to grow and adapt throughout their lives, but are actually supposed to. We’ve learnt that experiences may shape who someone becomes but it doesn’t limit their abilities to experience change. The person you became because of life events that occurred five, ten, or even twenty years ago does not have to be the person you remain forever.
The patterns we develop throughout our lives often serve a purpose. They helped us navigate difficult situations, relationships, and experiences. Sometimes, though, the very things that once protected us can actually begin to hold us back. The key to change is in recognizing that something that once helped us survive may no longer be helping us thrive. It’s important to understand the patterns that keep us stuck and to appreciate their help at the time they were needed. A person who learned to avoid conflict may have developed that habit because keeping the peace once felt necessary. Someone who constantly seeks approval may have learned that being accepted depended on making others happy. Someone who struggles with confidence may have spent years focusing on their mistakes rather than their strengths. The truth is, these are all patterns that once served a great purpose, but now stand in the way of true happiness. The situations in which they were useful are no longer part of your life. That’s why you may feel stuck. It can be hard to let go of habits that make you feel safe but it’s necessary in order to adapt to life as it is today.
Instead of asking, “What is wrong with me?” a more helpful question might be: “What purpose did this pattern serve, and is it still helping me today?” Asking the question that way helps garner self-love instead of self-criticism. You can be proud of yourself for learning to protect yourself while still (non-critically) questioning if this is still helpful. It’s important to make peace and show appreciation for your defenses, because they did protect you and help you survive. However it’s also important to recognize when it’s no longer serving the purpose of happiness. Growth does not come from constantly criticizing yourself. It comes from understanding yourself well enough to make different choices.
The reason why change feels so uncomfortable is actually simple in concept. 
Even when we know something isn’t working, change can still feel difficult because it’s out of the ordinary. The brain naturally seeks familiarity and predictability. This means that side-stepping the expected response or pattern actually makes your brain feel nervous. Even if it’s a positive change, the uncertainty your brain creates invokes a small doubt in your mind about changing. Many people find themselves caught between two places: wanting a different life but feeling afraid of what it will take to create it. This fear can come from a variety of different thoughts but is most commonly caused by fears of vulnerability, failure, and loss of identity. Lots of people want to adopt healthier patterns but worry who they will become without their current habits.
This is where courage and guts become your two most important friends. It takes guts to change and courage to resist the call of comfort. The good news is discomfort usually means the growth is actually happening. Thankfully, the transformation process is not linked with one decision. That’s in fact one of the largest misconceptions about change. In reality, change is created through thoughtful and repetitive choices. Confidence is another piece of the change puzzle. It’s built through small risks and proving to ourselves that we are capable. Gutsy living is achieved when we start taking small risks and proving to ourselves that we are capable. Small choices may not feel life-changing in the moment, but over time they create a different direction.
The biggest challenge with change is letting go of the fear of failure. Lots of people try to change but see no movement because they’ve not fully committed. They are still holding on to the fear that they will try and fail, rather than try and succeed. This is actually detrimental to the growth process because it lets your brain convince you to return to old habits. It can cause you to avoid changing because the anticipated pain of failure becomes all consuming and overtakes your desire to change. However, avoiding change also comes with a cost. When we stop ourselves from trying, we lose the opportunity to discover what we are capable of. The key to consistent courage is having the self-confidence to try and the courage to see that setbacks aren’t failures: they’re opportunities to try again. Both success and failure are part of the process. What’s important is to continue to take risks and slowly you’ll build your confidence on the foundation of your self-pride.
Having support is another important piece to this puzzle. 
Though personal growth requires a substantial amount of personal effort, having support is inconsequential on your journey. The people around us influence how we see ourselves and what we believe is possible. Supportive relationships can provide encouragement, perspective, and motivation when the process feels challenging. Another aspect of change occurs when we finally let people in and allow ourselves to be supported, challenged, and understood by others. Having a professional weigh in is another source of invaluable support. Therapy can also provide a space to better understand patterns, challenge unhelpful thoughts, and develop new tools for creating meaningful change.
Remember: change is not about rejecting your unhealthy parts. They are a part of you too. They’re the part that protected you when you were most vulnerable and helped you survive when you needed it most. Your past is a part of you, but it’s not all of you. To change is to begin understanding it, learning from it, and deciding what you want to bring into your future. There is no end to when you can rewrite your story. There is no age limit on growth. No one is ever permanently defined by their mistakes, fears, or previous choices. The ability to learn, adapt, and create change remains with us throughout life. Having the guts to change is not about becoming someone completely different. It is about turning inwards to become more aligned with who you truly want to be. Change does not happen all at once. It happens through the choices we make, one moment at a time, as we continue creating the life we want to live.
Have you ever recognized patterns in yourself you’d like to change but weren’t sure how to approach the process? First applaud yourself for having the guts to consider changing. Then try listening to our Clinical Director’s Podcast, Straight Talk with Sandra Reich, and gain insight on how to truly move away from fear and towards the life of your dreams.
Move from Fear to Gutsy Living
About the episode
Have you ever embarked on a journey of finding your true self? Do you ever wonder when it was that you stopped dreaming? Does your life reflect your values and who you truly are? Is the story you are currently telling yourself helping you go towards your dreams or is it bringing you further away? Are your fears blocking you from moving forward?
These are the questions we often shy away from asking but Maite Gomez and Sandra Reich believe they need examining. In fact, they’ve created an entire workshop to help empower women to ask these hard questions. Their passion is to teach women to pursue the lives of their dreams and stop letting fear block their chances at happiness. Join us for this peek into the workshops as Sandra and Maite discuss the primary purpose of their Women’s Empowerment Workshops – helping women to abstain from self-destructive behaviors, replace them with helpful, empowering ways of being, and to carry on this message of recovery to those who are suffering.
Listen To It Here:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6clUNLKnzW4&list=PL1H0sIkMEK6bWjulD8ZLASMPvsSlyizXe&index=15
Enjoyed Sandra’s insights? Subscribe to our YouTube channel and Follow us on INSTAGRAM and FACEBOOK for daily tips, tricks, and inspiration.
Change takes courage. It requires us to look honestly at our lives, recognize the patterns that may be holding us back, and make choices that move us closer to the person we want to become. At The Montreal Center for Anxiety and Depression we have top specialists who can provide you with guidance as you discover more about yourself. It would be our absolute pleasure to match you with a therapist who can support you on this journey.
To find your therapist now, give us a call at 514 777-4530 today. We would love to help you, and get you started on your journey. Change your life… TODAY!
