We all have moments in our lives when the only thing in our way is ourselves. When we procrastinate, avoid, or pull back from the things we love and cherish, we are in fact harming our own lives. These avoidant tactics may seem harmless, but they’re in fact forms of self-destructive behaviour. We tend to justify our actions, by busying ourselves with other tasks, or putting whatever it is last on the to-do list. Avoidance is one of the most common forms of self-destructive behaviour, but it is also one of the least talked about. It slides under the radar because it’s not blatantly obvious. When we avoid,  we tell ourselves we’ve just forgotten or not it’s just not as important. This is not only false, it also teaches you that your needs are less important. That is how it is self-destructive. 

At first glance, avoidance can just look like scheduling issues. It means dodging conversations, ignoring emotions, or distracting ourselves with various things. It’s at this point where the justification happens. “I’m too busy”, “I have a big project due”, and “I’ll take care of it later”, are all popular excuses. The problem is, avoidance doesn’t stop there. It stems from a place of self-protection. When you put off anything unpleasant, your mind and body feel relieved. This becomes a cycle of self-preservation that spirals out of control and becomes one of the more powerful ways we keep ourselves stuck. 

As a defence mechanism, avoidance is great! Whenever something is too painful, overwhelming, or uncertain, our brains shut down and send a very clear message: Do not proceed… It’s not safe. In terms of defence, this always works for us. We are rescued from discomfort and our being enters a state of relief. The problem with avoidance, is that the more we avoid the more we have to avoid. Meaning, when we avoid, we condition our bodies to feel the need to avoid anything unpleasant. Once it learns relief comes from giving in to avoidance, it will attempt to apply that to everything. In this scenario, avoidance is no longer a defence to negative stimuli, it’s your constant state of being in regards to everything. This is a problem because when we give in to avoidance, our fear becomes more powerful. Before you know it, you’re avoiding everything and fear controls your life. Instead of shrinking our discomfort, and allowing us to grow as people, avoidance feeds it. It drains our energy and confidence while also leading to heightened anxiety, resentment, and low-self worth. Though counterintuitive, avoidance is not the right way to handle things, the only thing it does is foster an environment in which the very feelings we’re avoiding thrive. 

Avoidance isn’t always as obvious as an explicit pivot around and run in the opposite direction. There are many every day behaviours that are actually subtle forms of avoidance. This is anything like procrastinating important projects, overthinking rather than doing, even taking on more work as a way to distract yourself from vulnerability. Each of these behaviours may feel harmless, or even the opposite of avoidance (example taking on more work), but in terms of intention they are all rooted in the same sense of fear. Together they create a toxic cycle of fear, guilt, and missed opportunity which slowly erodes any sense of peace and self-worth. 

The good news is that avoidance isn’t permanent. It can be hard to unlearn the habits, but with the proper support and tactics, anyone can stop their avoidant behaviours. 

• The most important thing is to notice your avoidance. The moment you start to feel that antsy feeling of escape, take a moment to pause. Breathe and ask yourself: “What am I feeling right now? What am I afraid will happen?” It’s your curiosity that will give you the mindfulness you need to really explore why you feel the urge to avoid. 
• Name the issue, not just the task you’re avoiding. Most often, when we avoid a task, it’s not because the task itself is so horrible. There are generally feelings such as shame, fear, or uncertainty, that drive the desire to avoid. Naming the exact feelings and issues associated with the task helps reduce their power over you.
• Start small with your efforts. Coming out from avoidancy is scary, it’s like a safety blanket that you’re suddenly ripping off. Start by taking care of one small thing you’ve been avoiding. Taking small steps builds your confidence and strengthens your emotional resilience.
• Avoidance doesn’t mean you’re lazy or broken. Make sure to show yourself compassion on your journey. You’ve only been trying to protect yourself, there’s nothing wrong with that. When you talk to yourself, try speaking the same way you’d speak to a loved one in your position. Oftentimes we find ourselves more understanding when it’s someone else. The truth is that you deserve that same level of compassion. 
• You can also reach out for support. When doing anything in life, it’s always easier with a partner. Change occurs faster when you’re not the only one doing it. Whether it be with a friend, a therapist, or a community group, having outside support can improve the effectiveness of your journey. If anything at all, it’s someone who you can complain to when your avoidance is getting you down.

When we think of self-destruction we often picture something dramatic, like drugs or self-sabotage. Avoidance is one of its most subtle, yet most common, forms. It trains our brain that the only way to feel relief from discomfort is to avoid it. This creates a pattern that keeps us stuck in a cycle of anxiety, regret, and low-self worth. However, this cycle does not need to keep going. You have all the power to break free on your own. When we learn to face what we fear, we unlearn the habits that were chipping away at our potential. When we stop avoiding we build ourselves up and can finally start healing.

If you’re ready to stop avoiding and build trust with yourself, trust that will become the foundation to peace, growth, and authenticity, join us for an Empowered Women Workshops Montreal Event. Come see Clinical Director and Psychotherapist Sandra Reich and her partner Psychotherapist Maite Gomez in person for an unforgettable event. This workshop will dive deeper into avoidance, along with other topics, and give you the tools you need to recognize it, understand it, and break free from its grip. This one day event will transform your outlook on life, and help you redefine yourself with courage, connection, and power.

Join us on November 29th from 12-4pm for Rise and Thrive. 

Bring your sister, your mother, your best friend… and change your life today. 

Get your tickets here: 

https://www.eventbrite.ca/e/empowered-women-workshops-rise-thrive-tickets-1846650263649?aff=oddtdtcreator 

Interested in beginning to treat your anxiety from home? Listen to our Clinical Director’s Podcast, Straight Talk with Sandra Reich, and gain more insights into the inner workings of your anxious mind.

Understanding Your Self-Destructive Behavior

About the episode

Self-destructive behavior is complex. Defined as any deliberate action that has a negative impact on your mind or body, it can come in many forms. Some are more obvious than others; but no matter the severity, these behaviors are detrimental to the sufferer and the people who love him/her. Feeling like you’re compelled to self-destruct brings a whole host of emotions: fear, out of control, guilt and even shame. So, why do we engage in these behaviors?

Join us for this important episode as Sandra and frequent Straight Talk guest Georgia Dow talk about some of the underlying causes for this compulsion to self-destruct. There is hope – as you learn new coping mechanisms that will help you forge a new path forward in life!

Listen to it here: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0Yyeo9NUf8 

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Do you procrastinate often? Avoidance is so ingrained in us that it can be hard to even notice it. At The Montreal Center for Anxiety and Depression we have top specialists who can teach you to name and overcome your avoidance. It would be our absolute pleasure to match you with a therapist who can help you regain your control over your own life.

To find your therapist now, give us a call at 514 777-4530 today. We would love to help you, and get you started on your journey. Change your life… TODAY!